Getting Anchorage Lit

Friday night we attended Anchorage's Christmas Tree Lighting event. It started off slowly, but built into a fever dream weirdness event, as though the planners had been slowly working their way through a bottle of absinthe or laudanum, or some other Romantic-era crazy juice.

As the crowd gathered, The Salvation Army handed out free hot chocolate and cookies, and AT&T (which was sponsoring the event) handed out swag and propaganda. We got a pretty calendar and a key chain! Folks in Xmas tree hats wandered around handing out the cookies. Also, some personnel dressed as random Holiday characters (drummer boys, Dickensian Moms, Sugar-plum Fairy girls, etc) handed out candy canes. Several of the girls wore long underwear instead of tights under their fairy skirts, which is maybe a little tacky, but eminently sensible. Also working the crowd were several girls wearing Miss Alaska banners and crowns - they were handing out programs. There was no indication if they were Miss Alaskas from year past, or what. Art speculated that maybe they have started allotting Miss America contestants by square footage, kind of like you get House representatives by population. If so, we get a lot of shots at it. The Miss Alaskas were dressed with varying levels of formality, with the least formal wearing snow boots, jeans, a jackets, her sash and crown, and a metric ton of makeup. The most formal wore sash and crown, mt of makeup, high heels and sparkly formal getup. Another interesting feature of the crowd was how many people were stupidly dressed - and I don't mean fashion-wise. I mean no jackets in 10 degree weather. I mean strappy sandals over bare feet in about 6 inches of snow. Art and I started nudging each other every time one of these people shivered by, and we were soon joined by the family on our right, who also enjoyed pointing out all the idiots.

The event itself started out pretty slow, with various guys introducing other guys, all of them congratulating each other on civic achievements. It was about this time that I noticed something about Anchorage crowds - when it is time to applaud, many people instead choose to go "Woooooo!" as though Aerosmith had suddenly turned up. Possibly because if you clap with gloves on it doesn't make much sound, and it is too cold to take off your glove.

Anyway, eventually they got to the entertainment. First up was a grade school chorus, who sang some Christmas songs and accompanied themselves with grade school percussion in the form of maracas. These were necessary to do some salsa versions of old standards. Because Alaska has a long tradition of salsa Christmas songs. I guess. Anyway, the kids were cute and functioned on appropriate grade level. Next, a very brave Jr High girl got up and sang some pop versions of a few songs. Why she did this I have no idea - possibly it was a form of community service. She did fine as well.

Then things got weird. A drama group from a local high school ( I can feel your eyes rolling from here, as were mine) staged The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. The dramatis personnae were:

• a quartet of Readers, who were evidently the good kids and therefore did not have to dress up in costumes


• The Tree, played by a girl in a tree costume (Why? I have no idea)


• Cindy Lou Who, played by a girl in pajamas and deely-bobbers


• Max, played by a girl in a big poufy dog costume, and


• The Grinch, played by a kid in normal clothes but painted all green, as though he was the Incredible Hulk in chillin' mode, wearing sweat pants and sneakers and headed out to the mall.

The action of the play consisted mostly of the Readers reading and the other kids miming the actions the Readers were reading about. Occasionally though, the action would stop for the kids to sing one of the songs from the cartoon version of the story.

Finally, at very long last, Santa and a trophy elf-wife came down Candy-Cane Lane! Their sleigh was pulled by a team of actual reindeer, which were being wrangled by a group of Sergeants from the local Army base, Fort Richardson. The Sergeants were part of an official group, the name of which I did not catch.

(I should mention that this event was semi-connected to a party the Mayor's wife had given for military families, which may have been why the sergeants got roped into this.) Anyway, the Sergeants gave did a great job, and got a nice round of whoops.

Then, very finally, after a countdown, Santa pressed the button, and the tree was lit. It was a weird but fun kind of time.